Children's Privacy

Our discussion on Wednesday regarding children's privacy was an interesting topic for me, but I felt like we didn't get to flesh out our thoughts and feelings.

On Thursday evening, I asked my Facebook friends for some input about children's privacy. (See the bottom of the page for the comments.) Obviously this was not a study, and anything that is theoretical (those who responded who are not parents) is inherently flawed. While I valued their input, I learned more from those who have children at least old enough to write in a diary.

The parents that responded with children of age (5 in the thread, 1 in person) said that while they valued their children's privacy, they would definitely read their children's diaries if they felt their child was in danger (of suicide, most notably).

I told the class on Wednesday that my parents didn't read my diary. But the trouble is, I wasn't the best kid. It may have done me some good if my parents read my diary. One time, my mother came across my online journal (that many teens my age had), because we shared a laptop. I was writing about inappropriate things, but I think I just got yelled at. No further monitoring took place after that.

My boyfriend's mom had an interesting point of view. She had three boys who didn't keep diaries. She said that at some point she knew they were smoking weed or having sex. But she didn't find these things life-threatening, so she didn't bust them. She told me she would look through their drawers, and if she saw a pipe she would trash it. "What are they going to say, 'hey mom, did you throw away my pipe?'" She also made sure they were having safe sex by talking with them.

I feel that I learned a lot at a young age, and I wouldn't take my experiences back, but in retrospect I feel a little invasion in privacy may have done me some good. Actually, I feel like if my parents had more open communication with me it would have done me some good. My parents are great, and I KNOW they did the best they could.

The discussion we had about children's privacy got me thinking about how I might someday parent. From the input I received from parents with grown children and also my friends who have toddlers, I think the biggest thing I took away was open lines of communication and respect. Maybe if these two things are in place, we won't need to read our children's diaries (unless we fear for their lives).

Comments from Facebook

What experiences did you have with privacy growing up in your home? If you are a parent, do you read your children's diaries or take away their privacy in other ways? If you aren't a parent, do you foresee yourself engaging in these acts?

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  Jonathan Finley, Natalie Wall and 4 others like this.
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    Feisty Sandwichmaker McKenzie My parents THREATENED to do things like take doors off, but I knew a couple of people whose parents had actually done so, and they often ended up with very... different ideas of what privacy and relationships with people were from my own experiences. I think that by doing things like that, you're relaying a message to your children that you simply don't trust them, and I don't think that's right.
    But that's just me.
    

    Thursday at 5:15pm ·  ·  2
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    Feisty Sandwichmaker McKenzie As for my future parenting insights, I think that as long as I am actually paying attention to my children rather than neglecting their actual needs and wants, or partaking in "lazy parenting," as I see it, I won't NEED to go to such lengths as reading my children's diaries or removing their doors. Even though I'm sure I'll want to, I need to remember that as a kid, whenever something was going on that was bad enough, I usually relayed these things to my parents at my breaking point. I went to such lengths as to write them letters saying how much I hated them and why I thought they were being unfair and leaving them on their pillows. So I don't think privacy is an actual issue...
    

    Thursday at 5:17pm ·  ·  1
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    Hayley Wickliff There was definite threatening of removing my bedroom door, but it never happened. They did go through my stuff including my camera and hacked into my login on the computer. I had to hide books that I knew they didn't approve of...but those went missing too. I feel like they over did it(privacy-wise), but I was also the only child so idk if that's why they were so invasive. Hope this helps :) ♥
    

    Thursday at 5:23pm via mobile ·  ·  1
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    Carleen Smith My daughter's privacy is of utmost importance, especially since she is a teenager. I do not read her diaries, etc. The only time i think this would be ok is if there was some sort of safety issue.
    

    Thursday at 5:26pm ·  ·  5
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    Sara Anne Epperson I am a parent. I never had this happen to me either and I would not personally do that to her. Of course she is little so we have not encountered any issues like this yet but I plan on having an open trusting relationship with her so sneaking behind her reading her diary would be unacceptable to me. And what example is that setting when they see you doing that?
    

    Thursday at 5:27pm via mobile ·  ·  2
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    Katy Waters Hayley, do you foresee yourself doing those kinds of things to your children if you become a parent?
    

    Thursday at 5:27pm · 
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    Katy Waters ‎Natalie Wall I would LOVE your input on this. Damnit, why can't you be in all of my classes?!
    

    Thursday at 5:32pm ·  ·  2
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    Hayley Wickliff Well, I have seen both sides(overly invasive or carefree) in my family and others, and I feel that the children that respected their parents but also felt comfortable enough to speak to them, had parents that knew when to be the parent but also when to be a friend. It is a fine line, but if I do have children I will try my best to know which role my child needs.
    

    Thursday at 5:41pm via mobile ·  ·  1
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    Alex Ramos I never had anything like that done to me, and I couldn't see myself doing anything of the like. In my opinion, parents these days are going way too far to the extreme to "protect" their children. I've made it this far and was mostly free to do what I wanted as a child, within the law of course. I even see it in my parents with my younger siblings, my 12 year old sister hardly leaves the house anymore whereas when I was her age, I was walking home from school, telling my parents I was going out with my friends and doing my own thing until dark. Nowadays, parents seem more reluctant to let kids be "on their own" even though everyone over the age of 6 owns a cell phone and are generally in a "safer" situation. But the cell phones just give new age parents another means to snoop on their children. Don't take this the wrong way anyone who may be reading this who is a parent, I'm not saying it's universal. It's just become unsettlingly much more common.
    

    Thursday at 5:41pm ·  ·  1
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    Nichole Bufton French My own parents were fairly hands-off and I don't believe they ever went through my stuff. In retrospect, it probably would have been beneficial to me if my parents were a little more involved, but I think that because I was an honors student who had a job and didn't get into much trouble, they backed off when I pushed them away. I think that my social life was slightly less integrated with technology than it is for kids now, though, so my "private life" wasn't as easily accessible or regulated. My parents seem to be more involved with my young teen brother and sister's social lives because they're using Facebook, texting constantly, etc. My mom just told me today that she stumbled on some notes my brother wrote to his girlfriend, but she doesn't go looking for information. I think my parents' approach was fairly appropriate. We never had much dialogue about anything I was doing outside of school/work, though. My parents never knew what I was doing when I went out, but they had no reason to believe I was doing anything troublesome, so they didn't pry. When I DID get into trouble, they didn't search through my stuff. They just asked me. They knew when I was lying and they wouldn't put up with any bullshit anyway, so it was pointless to try.
    
    I suppose I intend to treat my kids like I'd treat anyone else. I'll try to just keep communication open, be worthy of my kids' trust and respect, and hope that they don't feel like they have to hide much from me. I know that if I felt that either of my kids might be doing something that could hurt them or someone else, I'd probably confront them head-on about it. I think going behind their backs to seek information only shows them that you don't trust them and therefore they can't trust you. You don't respect them, they can't respect you.
    
    I also hope that I raise kids who have strong moral compasses based on empathy and logic. I don't want them to behave out of fear of punishment, I just want them to do what's right because it's right, because they care about others and how their actions might affect themselves and others, etc. Hopefully that way they'll know what to do when they aren't around me and their dad, they won't have to sneak around, and they won't get into too much trouble.
    

    Thursday at 5:41pm ·  ·  3
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    Barbara Suarez Chenoweth I don't read Sam's stuff, I respect his privacy. The only time I think I would infringe on his privacy is if his behavior changed drastically and I thought he was either suicidal or doing some serious drugs. I want to know what's going on in his life, but I want him to tell me. There is a point at which you just have to trust that you've done a good job at parenting and they will make good choices. Reading his diary would only say that I don't trust him and what kind of relationship can you have without trust?
    

    Thursday at 5:42pm ·  ·  1
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    Tracy Lorden Talley Katie - I hope you don't mind my input, but since you are asking, I will give mine. As you know, I have 3 adult children ages 26, 23, and 21. Before I had children, I had all kinds of ideas of how I would parent, often different than I was parented, and most of the time it worked without any problems. As you know, there are all sorts of parents from helicopter parents (those who hover over everything) to parents that are basically absent in their child's lives. The best one can do is find a happy middle ground. Our job as parents is first to love our children and second to protect them from any and all harm. When they're little, it is easier, as we have more control over how they spend their days and who they spend them with. But when they get older it is much more difficult. We want to give our children their freedom to learn from mistakes and to learn independence. But, sometimes they make decisions that are harmful to themselves, and this is when they start to lose their freedom. It is very frightening to a parent, because the love we have for our children is indescribable. The biggest and most powerful fear in a parents life is to those a child. So with that said, we do what we can to protect them. If that means taking off doors so they will be less likely to do harmful things, or read diaries in order to find out how and why they are doing these things, then we do it. We do what we can to protect and to help fix the problem. I never read a diary, but I did take off a door. And warned for weeks that I would do it if things did not change. So this did not come as a surprise. All I can say is that it is easy to think you know exactly what you will or will not do as a parent, but once you have children you will have a much better understanding.
    

    Thursday at 5:46pm ·  ·  1
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    James Shaw Parents and children have to trust each other. It's sad when I see families who have lost that.. because once that's gone what do you have left? It's the #1 rule in our house. It's important they can tell us anything. Right to privacy is earned through trust.
    

    Thursday at 5:46pm ·  ·  2
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    Tracy Lorden Talley Oops...I meant "lose a child"...
    

    Thursday at 5:47pm · 
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    Katy Eyberg My parents managed to find a balance between respecting my privacy and asserting their authority to keep me safe. I think I turned out okay, and I plan to emulate their approach if/when I have my own children.
    

    Thursday at 5:51pm ·  ·  2
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    Corinne Mitchell No way!! My parents never did that to me and we are best friends now!
    

    Thursday at 6:00pm via mobile ·  ·  1
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    Allison Heinrich My parents never did anything of that nature—even when my relationship with them was strained towards the end of high school. I was reasonably well behaved insofar as I never got into legal trouble and kept excellent grades. Only once did my parents do anything invasive of my privacy—and my actions prior thereto merited it and probably much more.
    
    I firmly believe in the importance of openess and communication—which I had as much as possible with my parents in so far as their worldview allowed for. These are the foundation for trust and any healthy relationship. I believe respect should be mutual until it is lost. Also, most any relationship where there is no privacy or alone time or space will soon deteriorate, at least in my experience, personal and otherwise.
    
    I would not let me kids do whatever the hell they wanted or get their way or take care of every little conflict or problem for them everytime. I believe that to be utterly detrimental. However, I would not let them completely fall on their face either—metaphorically.
    
    I would hope—albiet I am 19 and not considering having a child right now, let alone the person I would with—that it would not get to the point of having to take what I would consider drastic action. I would hope I would be able to catch warning signs, for lack of better term, and trust my children to make intelligent decsions consistent with the humanistic and accepting worldview I intend to one day raise mine with.
    
    If all else fails, generally go with the Aristotelian Mean—that is the middle ground. These means may not always be the most self-evident—for example, anger is a just mean between rage and apathy. Whereas most people have negative associations with anger. But typically, youll turn out okay this way.
    
    Holy shit this is long. Lol.
    

    Thursday at 6:05pm ·  ·  1
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    Tracy Lorden Talley Oh, and one more thing...You and John WILL be having children! lol I was just talking to Jean about it today, because Chelsea is due any moment with baby #3. Jean said she hopes she'll get grandchildren someday. We want to see a little smiley Johnny Cofer running around! :-)
    

    Thursday at 6:12pm ·  ·  1
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    Taylor Perk It's for this very reason that my brother and I didn't have locks on our doors. However, it's one thing to have a door without a lock and to not have a door at all. My parents never did those actions but it did seem like my mother, while doing her daily cleaning, managed to recover a lot more in my room than would naturally appear from simple cleaning; it was almost as though she'd been rummaging. It's for that I never really tried to hide anything or keep anything secret in my room because I knew inevitably it would show up in her hands. I felt I had some amount of privacy though and my father didn't seem to care too much since he was probably pretty exhausted from twelve-hour shifts.
    
    However, I felt the least amount of privacy when wanting to leave the house. At that point I remember constantly being given the third degree by mother and this continued on into later years. I was given curfews as late as returning trips from college even though she was very aware that I didn't drink or do drugs whereas my brother did and received no such restrictions. It really did make me feel like she didn't trust me.
    
    I can't see myself being too invasive in the life of my own children. It seems that merely by providing, setting an example, loving, and talking with children that you would establish enough of a bond (and inherent authority). There appear to be better ways to make sure that they're both safe and have some autonomy rather than providing this unhealthy environment where they're already barraged by the world and now have their own parents against them.
    

    Thursday at 6:49pm · 
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    Liz Gonzalez I never had a lock on my door, but my mom never went through my stuff, really... the privacy issue is strange. You want to make sure your children are safe, but you don't want them to feel like their privacy is violated.
    

    Thursday at 8:25pm · 
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    Katy Waters Thanks for all of the input! Any last takers before I start trying to sort out the different answers? Pleeeeease. :)
    

    Thursday at 9:19pm via mobile · 
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    Liz Gonzalez I honestly think it depends on the kid and what they're doing... Like if they exhibit suicidal behavior or major depression it might be a good idea to monitor them, but not to the extent that it makes them feel violated. I imagine that might push them further into depression.
    

    Thursday at 9:28pm ·  ·  1
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    Lynde Immel Ross I have four kids. There are four distinct personalities that require four distinct types of parenting. The bottom line is that there are no easy answers and no one size fits all answers. I find that my kids require a lot of grace, but I require much more.
    

    Thursday at 9:41pm via mobile ·  ·  1
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    Natalie Wall ‎(So I've been at work all day just waiting to respond to this)(sorry its so long!!) Unfortunately,I don't know that I have too much insight,but I do have questions. As far as my own experiences,I never felt like my parent violated my privacy.. but then again,I didn't have much of it. For the majority of my time at home I was sharing a room with both of my sisters. So there was no need to remove doors or anything absurd like that because I had two other people to keep me in line. I never had a TV in my room either,so when I was at home I wasn't in my room.. so the old door trick wouldn't have made much sense. I Also can't say my parent's read my diary- there was one occasion where my mom did.. But I feel like it was purely out of curiosity and a desire to snoop rather than to intentionally regulate me or something of that nature. (You know I do have a bit of that snooping gene myself.) But Ultimately my parents gave me respect and I respected them (most of the time). The question I have is this: What good is taking a child's door off? This is a serious question.. not an insult. What did that child,or teenage do that taking their door off solved? Or prevented? Until someone gives me the answer I will just assume- to me it seems like removing a door is really just a way to establish dominance,"I am the parent,and I make the rules. I am doing this because I am in charge!" If this is truly the reason - I don't agree with this method of parenting (although I have seen many try it). This is where my parent's did a good job,Nothing was ever "because I said so" and no rules were ever in place that couldn't be rationally explained to me. Like curfew (off topic from privacy- but lets go there). I saw a post recently where a mother left a note on the door saying something to the effect of "son,you are late- so you can sleep on the porch,I left you a blanket- next time I wont be so generous" and so many people had praise for this woman.. I was appalled. Parent's,Why set a curfew in the first place? Because you want your children to be safe,right? Having them sleep outside the whole night is directly contradicting the whole purpose of a curfew,wouldn't you say? Instead when my parent's implemented a curfew for me it was presented this way,"Natalie,If you come home at all hours of the night,I will never know at what point I need to start to worry. You could be missing and I would never know. So..please be home by this time. If you can't make it right on time please call me and I will understand. And if you don't call I will know it is time to call the police and file a missing persons report." This made sense to me. It was delivered with sincerity,love and true concern. So I respected that,and abided by it. Do you see the difference? In one scenario the parent is just setting rules to set rules- and if you don't comply then you are punished. I feel like this relates to removing the door from the hinges. It's a dramatic punishment that doesn't even address the original problem. What was that child doing with the door in place that they aren't going to do now that there is no door? You aren't removing the door to accomplish anything directly related to that door,You are removing the door to punish "now you've done it! you are not allowed to have privacy any more!" Just like taking away TV privileges or dessert for a week,but taking away their privacy makes a bigger impact. It's personal. Is it right? Is it fair? I don't particularly think so. By the age that a child cares about their privacy being taken away they are probably too old to be getting "punished" anyway.. But I'll save that opinion for another day. So all in all. I don't think I will ever employ this method of parenting,although it is hard to say what you will do when you are desperate,confused or concerned. :)
    

    Thursday at 10:03pm via mobile · 

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